B(l)og

Hotel Du Vin

2009-03-05T03:09:00.000-08:00

Cos, yeah, I hang out here all the time. Wages are good for bog bloggers, as I'm sure you can imagine..

Actually, they were doing a special offer, so I took Mr H there for his birthday. And a lovely time we had too. The resturant was beautiful BUT (da da daaaaah) the toilets, I have to say, were distinctly average:

Now, I realise that they do look quite nice here, but I've discovered that a lot of my ratings have to do with expectations. Consider Saint Caffe (below): it's just a purely functional loo for people who are drinking their coffee. But they've gone to the trouble of putting in a lovely decorative mirror and painting a rose on the wall; unexpected care. I was clearly expecting great things from Hotel Du Vin however, and although it was nice, it just didn't deliver on its promise of extreme luxurious lavatorial joy. OK, so it never promised that; but I would imagine that it did. Yes, maybe I'm now hearing the voices of toilets talking to me ... Time I stopped obsessively hanging out in them ...

Decor: 6/10
Just a bit bland. I do like the little posters that are in each loo, saying 'Byrrh' though (Polish?) Makes me think of some really incongruous farmer type extolling the joys of beer in his West Country twang, for some reason. I say 'incongruous' cos I can't imagine that Hotel Du Vin is the first place they seek out for a refreshing pint after a hard day on the fields. In fact, does anyone even drink beer here? Surely it's all about the vino. Byrrrhhh. Brryyhhhrrr. Anyway, sorry, getting distracted.. They're just a bit dull - was expecting something a bit more French and ornamental. But in fact it was just quite modern and plain. There were some nice little Moroccan stylee side table things from whence you pick up hand-towels though:

Not sure where the random North African influence comes in, but hey ho ... The sinks were quite nice:

("Quite nice". That's such a half-arsed compliment. I wanted these loos to change my life. Perhaps my standards were too high .. )

Cleanliness: 9/10
Pretty damn clean at least. Can't remember anything wrong with them in that department.

Ambience: 7/10
Kind of warm and unpretentious, actually. Maybe it's the Byrrh posters. I guess having it slightly less grand means that it's a bit more relaxed and cosier.

Lighting: 8/10
They've got this right.

Stay & Play: 7/10
There isn't a lot of space to do this. And I always feel slightly like I'm trespassing, if I'm not a hotel guest. Also, everyone is terribly civilised and elegant; makes you feel a bit self-conscious. But it's nice and out of the way and cosy.

Recommendations:
I just think that, considering the reputation and general appearance of Hotel Du Vin, they could have done more. These are loos that I've described as 'quite nice' ... I expected more from one of Birmingham's premium hotels. But then, having been forever scarred by 'Down & Out in Paris and London' (thanks, Orwell ...) I've started to mistrust the facade of even the smartest hotels. And here, the rooms definitely got slightly shabbier the further you went away from the entrance. Suffice to say that the loos were quite near the back. Oh, also Hotel 'Du Vin' - French, right? So what's with the Eastern European 'Byrrhh' posters and the Moroccan furniture? Everywhere in hotel is distinctly French. Odd..

Saint Caffe - St. Paul's Square

2009-03-05T02:45:00.000-08:00

Aaaah aaaah ahhh ...

(That was me doing an impression of a choir of angels to introduce this place. In case you didn't guess. Geez - what's wrong with you people?...)

OK umm, this is a little cafe in the lovely St. Paul's square. Just a wee thing, but host to Likemind coffee mornings, from whence I snapped its toilets.

Now, it's a small, low-key, unpretentious place, so I wasn't expecting its toilets to be making any kind of statement. But if there were; I would expect they would be saying this: "White! WHITE! WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE! WHITE, I TELL YOU!" Cos, umm, they're a bit white. Kind of ties in with the whole angelic purity thing; I'm sure...

Decor: 6/10
I've been fairly generous here, because it's only a little cafe and I wasn't expecting silk wallpaper or anything. And once I'd scraped my eyeballs off the back of my skull where they'd retreated from the dazzling glare of whiteness, I could see that, amongst the cold, clinical, unimaginative WHITE there were some nice little touches. Regard:

Perdy mirror. I am also obsessed with mirrors, so a nice pretty one always makes me happy. And so on to:

Ahhhh. How sweet - a lovely big rose climbing up the wall. Bless.

Cleanliness: 8/10
Well, it was only about 9:30 am, so the crazy coffee-drinking vandals of St. Paul's Square hadn't had time to get in there and trash the place yet. As I'm sure they do, on a regular basis ... It would have been 10/10 except that, as we all know, ladies and gents, white shows up every last trace of dirt. Be warned, loo decorators.

Ambience: errrr yeah 5/10
Not sure how to rate this as it's not really there for the ambience. As I say; it's just a little cafe so the loos aren't really anything other than functional. They work. Well done. Feels very cold and clinical though.

Lighting: 3/10
Arrrrrrrgggh! The whiiiite, the whiiiite! .... (etc)

Stay & Play: pfff...
Yeah ... You can't really, there's only 1 loo and they don't serve alcohol, so the chances of stumbling off for a drawn-out drunken girly chat while your mate's having a wee are highly unlikely. I haven't rated them on this as they're not really designed for that purpose. Which obviously, other loos clearly are..

Recommendations:
Just soften it up a little. Or give people sunglasses on entry. Nice little touches are great, especially for a purely functional loo; but all the white is soooo harsh.

Poppy Red - The Arcadian, Birmingham

2009-02-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's clearly Arcadian week this week...

Now, Poppy Red is a tricky one.

I kind of like these loos; I like the fact that the basin area feels quite spacious, I like the slightly odd shape, I like the fact that they're down a little corridor (for some reason, this always appeals to me ...) and I like the dark shinyness.

And yet ... there's something just a bit boringly average about them.

Whoops - bit of a wonky loo seat there. Actually, I guess that kind of sums them up - there's some nice shiny sleek lines going on here, but also just something that feels a bit tired. Like a middle-aged ex-clubber that has let themselves go a bit...

Decor: 6/10
Shinyness and slick black tiles on the wall, good. Other decor .. hmm.. feels a bit like it just needs a bit of a sprucing up.

Cleanliness: 7/10
Not bad, for a bar/club. A few stray bits of loo roll, but nothing to worry about. Could be because of the strange excess of antiseptic hand lotion that was going on:

They are also far cleaner than the Gents. And before you ask, I didn't have to go in, in order to know this. I could smell them from the corridor. Stinky boys.

Ambience: 6/10
Not bad. A little lacking in character; despite the overall unique pointy triangle shape.

Lighting: 7/10
Good. Nice halogen glow off some shiny surfaces, but not too bright - too much dazzle gives you that horrible 'light on, end of the night' feeling.

Stay & Play: 6/10
Down a corridor; which is nice. Decent area around the sinks, which is nice. Big mirrors, which is nice. But lacking in ambience and general character.

Recommendations:
I think your basic infrastructure is there for a pretty good loo. Just needs a re-vamp.

The Green Room - The Arcadian, Birmingham

2009-02-17T07:15:00.000-08:00

So named, I believe, in reference to all the many stars appearing at the Hippodome opposite, who clearly hang out here before strutting their stuff. Mmmm yeah.

I have to say, if they don't then it's purely down to the state of the toilets:

WHAT, Green Room, are those?! Other than a disgrace.

Actually, that's a bit mean - there are clearly worse toilets in the world. My outrage is more a reflection of my profound disappointment. I love the Green Room. I have had many happy times there, not to mention lovely food and some good vino. A feeling akin to the letdown of The Cross. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Or something. *Sigh* ....

Decor: 4/10
Not awful; but no thought behind this whatsoever. Felt like I was in someone's dad's shed or something. Rub. bish.

Cleanliness: 4/10
Loo roll everywhere. General shoddiness everywhere, in fact. But the most offending item:

Sanitary disposal bin OUTSIDE the damn cubicle?! How the hell does that work? Are we supposed to wander out of the cubicle gaily swinging our used 'sanitary products' in other ladies' faces before depositing them in said bin?! SO WRONG.

Ambience: 5/10
Not as bad as it could be. The dad's shed effect at least makes you feel vaguely at home. Maybe it's just the nice ambience of the bar that somehow manages to seep in.

Lighting: 6/10
Again, not too bad. Bit dark around the mirror as per usual (when will they learn?....)

Stay & Play: 3/10
Sure, if you like hanging around sanitary bins ...

Recommendations:
Well, why not go one further and pop the bins by the actual bar? That would be nice...
Failing that; my recommendations would be: DESTROY. REBUILD.

Seven things you’d never need to know about me

2009-02-03T07:34:00.000-08:00

Right - this is NOT about toilets. Just thought I'd better get that one out of the way..

I have been tagged by the fabulous Ms Geary and clearly it is an unpardonable sin to duck out of a tag.

So I shall do my duty and continue the meme ....

1) I was a very odd child. I used to have an alter ego who was a Victorian orphan called Christina Silverwing. Her best friend was Peter. I also used to be obsessed with concentration camps and the French Revolution and used to play games around these involving flinging myself off wardrobes (Escape from Auschwitz) and chopping off plasticine people's heads (Guillotine)

2) I used to have a recurring nightmare about a villain called Kenny the Raisin Face

3) I really like football. I support Liverpool and have met Bruce Grobbelar, John Barnes, Robbie Fowler, David James, Alan Hansen, Kenny Dalgleish and Gordon Strachan. Not all at the same time. I was recently a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding at Anfield. We wore red.

4) I used to be a singer and saxophonist in a band called Jinrai - we were signed to Acid Jazz records and gigged around the UK and Italy. We once did a festival at an ex-Communist rally ground outside of Bologna and were left for about 24 hrs with no means of sustenance apart from a fridge full of Fosters, no transport and no signs of civilisation.

5) As well as toilets, levels and lighting, I have an abiding obsession with the Romans. The first time I went to Rome I couldn't speak for 3 days cos I was so excited. I took lots of pictures of their drain covers, cos they have SPQR on them ..

6) I can fit my entire fist in my mouth

7) I make up comedy mock heroic poems for my friends every now and then for significant occasions (weddings, leaving dos, 30ths etc...)

To continue this meme I hereby call upon jauger, JessGreenwood, katiejaneday, danhandscomb, annacookie & lefrinj ...

Bluu Bar; Summer Row

2009-02-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

Bluuu. Bluuuuuuu. Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

Because, clearly - 'e's just aren't cool enough.

Anyway, this is an interesting place; where they have a spectacularly enormous cocktail menu; where there are lots of scantily-clad, red-lipped, curvaceous ladies adorning its decor, and where they told me I wasn't allowed to eat. Or if I must, then it would be in the restuarant - on my own. While my friends chowed down on their steaks, next to me... Hmmm...

ANYWAY; this is not about a vendetta (not least because it is actually a great place; plus they have bargainous half-price deals on many things)- this is about loos:

Mm hmm. I like 'em. I like the weird long washbasins. I like the black and white tiles (see 'O'Neils' ... ) - I like various other unique touches (see Decor) BUT I have to admit; there was just something lacking. This is where that indefinable je ne sais quoi; that elusive 'ambience' comes in. And it didn't have as much as I thought it might. I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps it was the lighting - it was a bit cold and harsh. Team that with black and white and purple and you get quite dark colours. I dunno ... Tis a mystery ..

Decor: 7/10
As mentioned - yay tiles. Boo too much purple? Nice washbasin fittings and ooh - gadgets. I'm not an enormous techie geek, but I love it when people apply a bit of inventiveness to a toilet. In this case; clever little strip of 1 way glass so the laydeez can see into the club from the loos. Like it!:

Also, the rather fabulous red-lipped ladies make a subtle appearance in each cubicle:

(Err yeah, accompanied by myself, in this instance. Couldn't help it - it was a mirror. I am far more sensibly clad however, I hasten to point out..)

Cleanliness: 8/10
Don't remember there being any problems. Don't remember being able to see my reflection in the work surfaces either, but hey ho; I'm a tough woman to please ..

Ambience: 5/10
Weirdly lacking. Puzzling, cos lots of the right things in place, but for some reason just felt cold (I'm not talking temperatures here) and a bit ... plluuueeerggh. Those of you who mostly communicate in sound effects - like myself- will know what I mean.

Lighting: 5/10
OK, so perhaps herein lies the problem. It felt cold, it felt a bit harsh - although not bright; if anything verging on too dingy. Perhaps just too white. Or grey. Not warm and soft and comforting anyway. This bothers me.

Stay & Play?: 8/10
Y'see, despite the total lack of atmosphere, the fact that it's down a darkened subterranean corridor (with more monochrome tiled joy - yay!):

and into the bowels of the place makes it an ideal hidey hole for escape for a good gossip and/or re-application. PLUS the 1 way mirror - ideal for actually being able to actually point and laugh. Talk about being able to take a step out and objectify!

Recommendations:
Hmmm ... This is a tricky one. I love the little unique twists in here - the well thought out touches. Perhaps it's too thought out though - all head and no heart. It's odd. Just not enough warmth or atmosphere; and I can't quite put my finger on why ...

O'Neils: Broad Street

2009-01-28T14:40:00.001-08:00

In a week when all my lavatorial prejudices were shattered (see MacDonalds: above) I go into an Irish pub on Broad Street on a Friday night. Expecting bllleeeuuurrggh. Instead, I got ooooooooh!:

Black and white tiles do it for me every time. So monochrome but statement-y and retro but modern all at once. Oh, and did I ever mention my deep-seated passion for wood? Lots of my favourite things in one place. I did not expect this.

Only thing that slightly put me off was the weird bin-bag-sink job:

and the fact that 2 very conversational drunk girls fell into the toilets while I was there to do what girls do in toilets; ie pee for about 20 seconds and then talk for about 2 hours. I had to dive into a cubicle and wait until they'd finished blathering on to each other before I could emerge and continue snapping. My poor other half was in the bar and thought I had fallen down the loos, and tried to ring me to see why the hell I'd been gone for so long.. (Of course I couldn't take the call, as a) I was pretending that I wasn't there b) it would have been a bit weird talking on my phone on the loo and c) it would have been even weirder saying "Oh yeah, sorry, I'm just waiting until they go so I can take some more photos ..."

Decor: 7/10
As I say; black and white tiles. Wood. Yay.

Cleanliness: 7/10
Hold on - this is Friday night on Broad Street! Where's the vomit? Where's the make up smudged around the sink? ... Bit of stray loo roll and a weird binbagsink, but otherwise in jolly good nick

Ambience: 7/10
Not bad. Still a little lifeless, but pretty pleasant

Lighting: 8/10
Nice. Makes the tiles look good too.

Stay & Play: 8/10
Well, those 2 certainly did! I wouldn't mind hanging around here for a while. Although Mr H might get cross again if I did ...

Recommendations:
Lose the bin bag in the sink. Do you not know what sinks are for, Mr O'Neil? how are they supposed to function when you stuff a ruddy great bin bag into them? ... Geez ... Other than that, y'know what - this does the job. I wouldn't want to move in, but I certainly wasn't dying to get out.

MacDonald's: New Street

2009-01-28T14:30:00.001-08:00

OK, so I would never normally choose to review MacDonald's toilets. I would, in all honesty, rather clean them. With my own tongue. However, in desperate need the other day I popped into this particular one to use its facilities and was most pleasantly surprised. See these sleek specimens:

Yeah there's some wanton loo roll, a random toilet seat in the corner and some weirdo taking pictures, but you've gotta admit - pretty impressive for a MacDs!

Even more impressive, or maybe just a bit odd - it's a fine line - was the unisex wash area:

Sorry about the blurred pic; but it was MacDonalds on the busiest street in Birmingham, at 5 pm. There were lots of people. I was getting in their way AND taking photos - suffice to say I felt a little sheepish; and really didn't want to start explaining what the hell I was doing ...

Decor: 7/10
I'm amazed. This is a MacDonald's. You'd never know.

Cleanliness: 6/10
Stray loo roll, but amazingly clean for a MacDonalds on the busiest street in Brum at rush hour.

Ambience: 5/10
Ummm pfff ... Still MacDonald's innit. Could be so much worse though

Lighting: 7/10
Yep, pretty good. Kinda sleek. Nothing untoward...

Stay & Play: 6/10
I'm sure it happens. And in all fairness there's far worse places to hang around in.

Recommendations:
Keep up the good work! Maybe the unisex washbasins are a little out of place. The only other places I've seen these has been in uber-trendy bars ... Let's not get too ahead of ourselves now, Ronald ..

The Red Lion: Hockley

2009-01-28T13:50:00.000-08:00

The Red Lion is The Lord Clifden's baby brother; a small but perfectly formed counterpart. As soon as you walk in, the similarities are obvious - nice decor; little bit funky, but still retaining that sense of cosy old-skool.

The toilets, however, are quite different:

A bit tattier; not quite the sleek, Swedish spa effect of the Clifden. They're also quite ... random, not least in terms of actually finding the damn things. The pub is about 1mm squared, yet I still managed to walk around for about 20 mins before I found them. Silly me, of course I should have known that they were down some unmarked back corridor, under a flight of stairs, past your usual concrete area with with your pile of amps:

next to fire escape and up a little flight of tiled stairs! Just like any other pub, really ...

Decor: 6/10
Like I said, not as sleek or cosy as the Clifden, and still with those horrible white plywood cubicles which remind me of school ... They have made some effort however; which is nice. Note little funky handbasins:

AND the piece de resistance: sparkly sparkly loo seats!

Hurrah for disco rims! They bear absolutely no relation to the rest of the decor whatsoever; but I kinda like the fact that someone's just gone; "What the hell, let's just chuck in a couple of random sparkly disco loo seats in here. Just because." Perhaps they are in some way linked with the big pile of amps in the corridor? Who knows ...

And for some reason I do like steps. Anything which has a couple of steps leading up or down into it goes well with me, for some reason. I like levels. (The more I write this blog, the weirder I realise I am ... )

Cleanliness: 7/10
I can't remember there actually being anything dirty in there, but there's just a bit of an aura of tattiness. Let's put it this way; you wouldn't want to lick the surfaces. Mind you, you probably wouldn't do that anyway ... Unless you're the kind of weirdo that, i dunno, chews their own head, or hangs around toilets taking pictures ...

Ambience: 7/10
Hmmmm ... Funnily enough I kinda like the odd mix of tatty and spangly; gives it a bit of character. Although those nasty white cubicles do feel a bit like I'm back in primary school. Less of a cosy vibe than the actual pub itself, which is disappointing.

Lighting: 6/10
Average. Not amazing, not awful.

Stay & play?: 8/10
Again, kinda tiny. But there is a nice corridor/hallway/thing full of amps to spill out into. It does have character, and it is tucked away from the rest of the pub, so it is out of the way - a good retreat; should you need one.

Recommendations:
This is a teeny place with big rock n roll pretentions: note the Marilyn/Moss irreverant pop art. Note big pile of rock n roll amps. Note disco loo seats. Perhaps they should just go the whole hog and throw in a glitter ball, some free coke to snort off the washbasins and glam rock-playing taps?...

The Cross; Moseley

2008-12-31T07:17:00.000-08:00

No no no no no no no.

And no.

Such a shame; I've always liked The Cross. I have, however, always hated the toilets. And they don't show any sign of improving:

Bleurrgh.

They're tatty, they feel really makeshift, they're often not working, no locks on the doors, no loo roll, and for some reason they're always sub zero temperatures. Oh, and the cubicles are weeny; more contortionism a la Bull's Head necessary in order to enter said cubicles.

Decor: 2/10
There's decor? What, as in someone hasn't just thrown some plywood into a box and left it where it lay? ... Oh, there's a nice mirror:

But, personally, I think the worst crime against lavatorial style is the font on the door sign:

What the f*** is that??!!! Oh dear, two of my obsessions - loos and fonts ... Seriously though, The Cross is a nice place; a classy place. So what happened to the loos? You know that as soon as you walk past a comic sans door sign, the loo's gonna be a joke ... So wrong.

Cleanliness: 5/10
No. Falling to pieces. Unflushed loos. Toilet roll coming off. Doors flaking. That said, the sink/mirror area is always pretty clean.

Ambience: 4/10

Errr ... pffff... Cold. Grotty. Nuff said.

Lighting: 7/10
OK. Again, better lighting in the toilets than in front of the mirrors. Geez ...

Stay and Play?: 3/10
Would you want to hang around in a Siberian plywood mess? Me neither. Bet it happens though. There's a decent amount of space in front of the sinks. And some hair straighteners(!) that might induce a bit of girly banter.

Recommendations:
Controlled arson? Or how about they just re-do the loos so that they match the rest of this nice, classy, sleek bar?

Moose; Birkenhead

2008-12-31T06:53:00.000-08:00

Yep; just 'Moose'. Not 'Moose Bar' or 'The Moose' or anything - just plain 'Moose'.

You've gotta respect the Moose. It has a comedy name, is in deepest darkest Birkenhead, has the nicest staff in the universe AND great loos for a very small space:

The only slightly odd thing is the weird space-age/porthole door:

Yeah ... Not sure that a porthole loo door is the best design, but hey ho, it's a friendly bunch in Birkenhead. We like to errr... see other people wee. Actually; the porthole is very high up, and very purple, so it's more a case of Birkonian giants seeing small purple people wee.

Decor: 8/10
I love the stone flags in the floor. And the marble. There's something a bit earthy and hard-ass about these materials; but slick at the same time. Slightly confused space-age trimmings, but on the whole, they've done well with a small space.

Cleanliness: 9/10
Nothing visibly wrong with it; but stone flags can potentially look a weeny bit grotty. This is a very minor criticism, however.

Ambience: 8/10
Like everything else within the vicinity of Liverpool, for some reason this tiny Moose loo feels like it has a good degree of character. I like that.

Lighting: 7/10
Nice. Feels clean and shniy. Again, lighting onto mirror not great though. Toilet designers need to realise that ladies are more interested in being able to see themselves in the mirror than seeing themselves actually on the loo.

Stay and Play?: 7/10
In some ways I can imagine sneaking off for some serious girly chattage or re-application here. Although it is quite small. And the only loo, so might start getting a queue of angry Moosers outside ...

Recommendations:
Lose the space age door; make the mirror square or round; for some reason the circular mirror doesn't go with the rest of the decor - I guess I think of stone and marble as old, solid materials; so don't go with round, modern, clean-line mirrors. Blimey, I'm fussy ....

Symphony Hall

2008-12-17T09:16:00.001-08:00

Birmingham's cultural diamond - Symphony Hall. Home of world-class, ground-breaking acoustic design. Host of musical genius: Elgar, Dvořák, Rattle.

Home of boring grey corporate toilets:

Yawn ....

I did, however, run off to discover the executive loos. Oh yeah, not just any old standard class loos, I'll have you know; but Les Toilettes Executif:

'Executive' clearly just means having the sink in the same room as the loo. Perhaps so that you are saved the unpleasantry of having to wash your hands in the company of the riff-raff - how thoroughly hideous.

I was here on a work do, and had a label with my name on attached to me (as seems to be customary on such occasions) which I managed to leave stuck on the mirror. I bumped into a sophisticated-looking lady on my way out of Les Toilettes Executif; who gave me a funny look. No doubt due to the fact that not only was I taking photos of a loo; but I had also apparently named the mirror 'Fiona'. Hey ho ... All in the name of lavatorial research ...

Decor: 5/10
- Not sure how much grey one person can cope with without starting to sink into some kind of coma ... Like the little rectangular tiles though, and the mirrors are nice and big. Sink area generally quite smart:

Cleanliness: 9/10
- Clearly spotless. If not clinically spotless. That said, in Les Toilettes Executif there was a stray bit of loo roll. AND some uncivilsed ruffian had deemed it acceptable to put a label saying 'Fiona' on the mirror ... The hoi polloi do not know how to behave...

Ambience: 4/10
- OK if you like words like 'corporate' or 'executive'. Not OK if you like words like 'fun' or 'lovely'.

Lighting: 6/10
- Not bad, but a bit harsh

Stay and Play?: 5/10
- Not really possible in Les Toilettes Executif. As far as the other ones there is a nice area near the mirrors (well done designers) for a chat; so can't be all bad!

Reccommendations:
- Ever heard of the word 'personality'? Come on Symphony Hall - you're the host of some of the most beautiful music and ingenious design in the world; at least try and apply a bit of creativity or aesthetic to the loos ... Maybe the toilets themselves could be made to look like tubas ... Or the wash basins could resemble some kind of percussion ... Or at least have a hand drier that plays Pomp & Circumstance when you turn it on .. I dunno ...

The Bull's Head - Moseley

2008-12-17T08:34:00.001-08:00

A ha! I knew it! I haven't been here for a while, but previously the loos were notoriously difficult to manoeuvre yourself around. Getting in and out of the cubicle required a contortionist effort that would have made Houdini proud. The basic issue was the fact that the cubicles were so small that when the door was opened there wasn't enough room to actually get yourself in to the loo. A bit of a major design flaw. Many a time I have watched other hapless women perform acts of mind-boggling flexibility just to end up with limbs wedged in between the door the wall. Not a pretty sight.

There must have been complaints. I mean, a loo that you actually can't get into is never going to win fans. So, upon revisitation to the 'Head, I was curious to see whether they'd got their act together. Turns out they had:

Now there's some nice dramatic black folding doors into the cubicles; allowing great degree of manoeuverability:

The only problem with these is that there's always a little gap in the middle. So previously you couldn't get in to the bloody loos in the first place, whereas now you can get in, but everyone can see you. Well, only if they press their faces right up against the divide in the door I suppose, so no great shakes ...

Decor: 7/10
- I like the dramatic black, white and pink. For some reason I like the slightly half-arsed spider plant on the window ledge. I like the pink butterflies on the black door:

BUT at the same time there's always been just something a bit grotty about it - a bit rough around the edges. Could do better I think.

Cleanliness: 6/10
- Hmmm it's OK. I have been here when its been horrendous. Was fine this time though, although, as I've mentioned there's always this sense of slight grottiness.

Ambience: 7/10
- Interesting. The colour scheme adds a bit of drama; size means that it can get cramped. Feels a bit intense, for some reason, but colourful too.

Lighting: 6/10
- A bit white. But not awful.

Stay and Play?: 6/10
- Hard to rate. It's very small so not much space for hanging around and the bright colours and harsh lighting might get a bit much after a while. That said, it's got a bit of personality.

Reccommendations:
- Softer lighting might make this tiny space seem a bit less intense. Maybe have some more quirky little details like the spider plant and the pink butterflies. See The Wellington for tips. Might help it lose some of that indefinable tattiness, also.

Awwwww shucks!

2008-12-16T05:39:00.000-08:00

Highly annoyed with myself - was at the salubrious Weoley Castle Social Club on Sat (o yeah ... ) and totally forgot to suss out the loos. BAD me. Would have been, no doubt, hilarious.

Sorry, this is a total non post.

Apologies...

Bar Estilo - The Mailbox - Birmingham

2008-12-14T11:41:00.001-08:00

Uninspiring, to say the least. I was in Bar Estilo last Friday - the place was HEAVING. The food was gorgeous, the wine was delicious, the atmosphere was unbelievably buzzing and the toilets were ... such a let down. Not awful; just nothing like the lively, continental buzz of the bar. Boo.

Decor: 6/10
- Nowt wrong with it, just boooooriiiing

Cleanliness: 7/10
- Fine

Ambience: 5/10
- Boo. I'm not really inspired to say anything other than that, sorry..

Lighting: 6/10
- Bit bright for my liking, but not awful.

Stay and Play?: 4/10
- Just get your ass back into that bar!

Recommendations:
- Yawn yawn yaaaaaaawwwn.... How about trying to inject some of that feisty Latin buzz from the bar itself into the loos? I've never known such a discrepancy between bar and toilets in terms of atmosphere ...

The Wellington

2008-12-12T04:08:00.001-08:00

Have found myself here a couple of times this week; a great, unexpected real ale place in the heart of corporate Brum. With added joy of insanely-named ales. I tried Blonde Fantasy, Mad Goose and Stumbling Badger.

I was initially lured in by the promise of a pub cat - hurrah! He did materialise, but appeared to be a bit camera-shy - boo. (Well, for me, anyway. See Exhibit B)

Anyway - the loos:

In some ways pretty bog standard (scuse pun) but in some ways a little bit quirky:

Exhibit A: Random plant/ decoration explosion:

And Exhibit B: Framed picture of pub cat: (ahhhhh)

So, not quite as average as it at first seems ...

Decor: 6/10
- A bit dull. Points for random plant/tinsel effort though. Not particularly stylish, but at least someone cares about making an effort.

Cleanliness: 7/10
- A few stray bits of toilet roll, but nothing untoward

Ambience: 7/10
- Without the pictures (particularly cat) and plant fest this would be particularly nothingy. However, someone cares. And someone thinks it would be nice for us to look at pictures of some framed moggy whilst going about our private business. So I respect that.

Lighting: 4/10
-A bit harsh and white and doctors' surgery-like for me. At least you can see yourselves in the mirrors though ...

Stay and Play?: 6/10
- Hmmm maybe. If you don't mind having a cat staring down at you while you discuss your deepest, darkest secrets. It's quite small and oddly shaped, so one of the conversationalists may have to flatten themselves around the curved wall in order to be able to talk whilst still allowing people through. Enjoy that someone has thought about this place though. Most real ale pubs aren't aware that females exist. Or that we have standards..

Reccomendations:
- Make more of the quirkiness. The cat pic is genius and they could do more tongue-in-cheek stuff here I think.

The Lord Clifden - Hockley

2008-12-05T02:10:00.000-08:00

Kind of similar to the Fighting Cocks, really. Although inversely proportional: teeny tiny little pub, big loos. So, this is what the Fighting Cocks loos should be like:

Loads of room! Stylish and simple. Sorry about the flash - toilets have this pesky habit of having mirrors in them ...

The piece de resistance: Dyson hand-driers:

The sign of a classy, modern bathroom. Not for the faint-hearted though; they make a slightly terrifying sound and I was, at first, worried that I was never going to get my hands back ...

Decor: 8/10
- Nice clean, modern and with a good amount of wood; of which I am a fan. Little bit dull - but then people don't expect folk to spend hours in the blinking loos, really. (They don't know me...)

Cleanliness: 10/10
- Spotless. Not a single bit of loo roll out of place.

Ambience: 7/10
- Nice. Restful. Space. Lots of wood - bit like a Scandinavian spa ...

Lighting: 8/10
- All good. The spotlights look nice and warm with the wood. Again, could do with a bit more lighting near the mirror (see Fighting Cocks)

Stay and play?: 8/10
- Yeah pretty good. I can imagine diving into this Scandinavian spa haven to have a surreptitious chin-wag with a girl friend, and quite happily spending a while ...

Recommendations:
- Tell the Fighting Cocks about the use of space for toilets. Then let them tell you about fun stuff like big F-off gilt mirrors. Together you can conquer the world of toilets.
- Put a health warning on the hand-drier, for people of nervous disposition.

The Fighting Cocks - Moseley

2008-12-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

My second home.

It is the best pub in the universe. The loos are nice too:

They are also disproportionately miniature in comparison to the massiveness of the pub itself - hence the lack of space to take decent photo. They are also always weirdly deserted. Considering the dinky-ness this may be a good thing; but I can't be the only female that ever wants to pee in the Fighting Cocks? Seriously, I've never seen anyone else in there ... Peculiar ...

Decor: 8/10

- For a space this tiny; you want to keep it simple, and they have done, most elegantly. Tiny, perfectly formed little washbasins and dryers. And then a great big F-off gilt mirror - nice.

Cleanliness: 8/10

- Almost always clean when I'm in there. Probably cos I'm the only one ever in there ...

Ambience: 6/10

- See earlier comments about general lack of banter. Big, beautiful, bustling pub. Weird tiny deserted loos. Hmmm ...

Lighting: 6/10

- The lighting in the actual loos is great, but you can't really see yourself properly in the mirror. Yes it is marvellous to look at, but it can't just be there for decoration?! This is a Ladies room - we need to re-apply!

Stay and Play?: 7/10

- Not for the claustrophobic; but offers a small-but-perfectly-formed safe haven if you want a surreptitious girly chat. More than 2 people in there and no-one else can actually get in the door, however.

Recommendations:

- The Cocks is huge. Can't they just extend the loos out a bit? You can't have too much of a good thing.

Pretty In Pink

2008-12-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

Gadzooks it's PINK!

Home is where the heart is, so, umm, I thought I'd start off with my own loo. It is, as you may have noticed, spectacularly pink. I have to admit, I'm not actually guilty of this - the girl who owned this flat before me painted it so. I like it though; it's a bit mental, but bright and colourful and unique. I did have to tone down the shower curtain though, as hers was even pinker and I started to feel like I was on a bad trip every time I had a shower. There is also an issue in finding bathmats and other accessories to match - nobody expects the pink bathroom.

Mr H is not so keen on the pink. But he is a boy; what does he know about loos? ...

Decor: 6/10

- Loving the mad pink. Hard to find suitable matching items.

Cleanliness: 6/10

- Hmmmm Mr H and I are a bit hit-and-miss (scuse the pun) with the cleaning

Ambience: 8/10

- Yeah! It's a bright pink loo!

Lighting: 7/10

- Nice light over the mirror and the extractor fan whirs when you switch it on. This is actually a good thing as its right next to the living room and if you have people round then they can hear you pee - unless you switch the light/extractor fan on.

Stay and Play?: 5/10

- You might start getting a headache with all the pink. And why hang around here when there's a lounge next door? ... Bit weird having a conversation next to a bath too.

Recommendations:

- Hmmm ... I have a love/hate relationship with the pink. Perhaps OK for a girl living on her own. Steams up easily - could do with a bigger window to let air out of.

My secret obsession ...

2008-12-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a child I have been mildly obsessed with toilets. Not the actual ceramic pots themselves, but the entirety of those little private rooms within which they sit. My first question upon entering a new place, when I was small, was always "Where are the loos?"

I'm afraid to say, not much has changed. I love them. I'm still intrigued by them. I will always, always check them out in any new place I go to.

They say you can rate a place by its loos, and I wholeheartedly agree. I like to rate its loos, however.

So, this is what you have before you - a log (scuse the pun) of my forays into the most private of spaces. Remember that I am a girl, and therefore a loo is an important place; not simply for relieving oneself, but for girly chats; the divulging of secrets; mysterious preening rituals; a safe-haven from pesky men and a place to sit down and ponder - or even read. So my marks aren't just for the functionality of the latrine, people, but the whole shebang: ambience, atmosphere, friendliness, recommendations etc etc.