Hotel Du Vin

Cos, yeah, I hang out here all the time. Wages are good for bog bloggers, as I'm sure you can imagine..

Actually, they were doing a special offer, so I took Mr H there for his birthday. And a lovely time we had too. The resturant was beautiful BUT (da da daaaaah) the toilets, I have to say, were distinctly average:






Now, I realise that they do look quite nice here, but I've discovered that a lot of my ratings have to do with expectations. Consider Saint Caffe (below): it's just a purely functional loo for people who are drinking their coffee. But they've gone to the trouble of putting in a lovely decorative mirror and painting a rose on the wall; unexpected care. I was clearly expecting great things from Hotel Du Vin however, and although it was nice, it just didn't deliver on its promise of extreme luxurious lavatorial joy. OK, so it never promised that; but I would imagine that it did. Yes, maybe I'm now hearing the voices of toilets talking to me ... Time I stopped obsessively hanging out in them ...

Decor: 6/10
Just a bit bland. I do like the little posters that are in each loo, saying 'Byrrh' though (Polish?) Makes me think of some really incongruous farmer type extolling the joys of beer in his West Country twang, for some reason. I say 'incongruous' cos I can't imagine that Hotel Du Vin is the first place they seek out for a refreshing pint after a hard day on the fields. In fact, does anyone even drink beer here? Surely it's all about the vino. Byrrrhhh. Brryyhhhrrr. Anyway, sorry, getting distracted.. They're just a bit dull - was expecting something a bit more French and ornamental. But in fact it was just quite modern and plain. There were some nice little Moroccan stylee side table things from whence you pick up hand-towels though:



Not sure where the random North African influence comes in, but hey ho ... The sinks were quite nice:



("Quite nice". That's such a half-arsed compliment. I wanted these loos to change my life. Perhaps my standards were too high .. )

Cleanliness: 9/10
Pretty damn clean at least. Can't remember anything wrong with them in that department.

Ambience: 7/10
Kind of warm and unpretentious, actually. Maybe it's the Byrrh posters. I guess having it slightly less grand means that it's a bit more relaxed and cosier.

Lighting: 8/10
They've got this right.

Stay & Play: 7/10
There isn't a lot of space to do this. And I always feel slightly like I'm trespassing, if I'm not a hotel guest. Also, everyone is terribly civilised and elegant; makes you feel a bit self-conscious. But it's nice and out of the way and cosy.

Recommendations:
I just think that, considering the reputation and general appearance of Hotel Du Vin, they could have done more. These are loos that I've described as 'quite nice' ... I expected more from one of Birmingham's premium hotels. But then, having been forever scarred by 'Down & Out in Paris and London' (thanks, Orwell ...) I've started to mistrust the facade of even the smartest hotels. And here, the rooms definitely got slightly shabbier the further you went away from the entrance. Suffice to say that the loos were quite near the back. Oh, also Hotel 'Du Vin' - French, right? So what's with the Eastern European 'Byrrhh' posters and the Moroccan furniture? Everywhere in hotel is distinctly French. Odd..

Saint Caffe - St. Paul's Square

Aaaah aaaah ahhh ...

(That was me doing an impression of a choir of angels to introduce this place. In case you didn't guess. Geez - what's wrong with you people?...)

OK umm, this is a little cafe in the lovely St. Paul's square. Just a wee thing, but host to Likemind coffee mornings, from whence I snapped its toilets.





Now, it's a small, low-key, unpretentious place, so I wasn't expecting its toilets to be making any kind of statement. But if there were; I would expect they would be saying this: "White! WHITE! WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE! WHITE, I TELL YOU!" Cos, umm, they're a bit white. Kind of ties in with the whole angelic purity thing; I'm sure...

Decor: 6/10
I've been fairly generous here, because it's only a little cafe and I wasn't expecting silk wallpaper or anything. And once I'd scraped my eyeballs off the back of my skull where they'd retreated from the dazzling glare of whiteness, I could see that, amongst the cold, clinical, unimaginative WHITE there were some nice little touches. Regard:



Perdy mirror. I am also obsessed with mirrors, so a nice pretty one always makes me happy. And so on to:



Ahhhh. How sweet - a lovely big rose climbing up the wall. Bless.

Cleanliness: 8/10
Well, it was only about 9:30 am, so the crazy coffee-drinking vandals of St. Paul's Square hadn't had time to get in there and trash the place yet. As I'm sure they do, on a regular basis ... It would have been 10/10 except that, as we all know, ladies and gents, white shows up every last trace of dirt. Be warned, loo decorators.

Ambience: errrr yeah 5/10
Not sure how to rate this as it's not really there for the ambience. As I say; it's just a little cafe so the loos aren't really anything other than functional. They work. Well done. Feels very cold and clinical though.

Lighting: 3/10
Arrrrrrrgggh! The whiiiite, the whiiiite! .... (etc)

Stay & Play: pfff...
Yeah ... You can't really, there's only 1 loo and they don't serve alcohol, so the chances of stumbling off for a drawn-out drunken girly chat while your mate's having a wee are highly unlikely. I haven't rated them on this as they're not really designed for that purpose. Which obviously, other loos clearly are..

Recommendations:
Just soften it up a little. Or give people sunglasses on entry. Nice little touches are great, especially for a purely functional loo; but all the white is soooo harsh.

Poppy Red - The Arcadian, Birmingham

It's clearly Arcadian week this week...

Now, Poppy Red is a tricky one.

I kind of like these loos; I like the fact that the basin area feels quite spacious, I like the slightly odd shape, I like the fact that they're down a little corridor (for some reason, this always appeals to me ...) and I like the dark shinyness.

And yet ... there's something just a bit boringly average about them.





Whoops - bit of a wonky loo seat there. Actually, I guess that kind of sums them up - there's some nice shiny sleek lines going on here, but also just something that feels a bit tired. Like a middle-aged ex-clubber that has let themselves go a bit...

Decor: 6/10
Shinyness and slick black tiles on the wall, good. Other decor .. hmm.. feels a bit like it just needs a bit of a sprucing up.

Cleanliness: 7/10
Not bad, for a bar/club. A few stray bits of loo roll, but nothing to worry about. Could be because of the strange excess of antiseptic hand lotion that was going on:



They are also far cleaner than the Gents. And before you ask, I didn't have to go in, in order to know this. I could smell them from the corridor. Stinky boys.

Ambience: 6/10
Not bad. A little lacking in character; despite the overall unique pointy triangle shape.

Lighting: 7/10
Good. Nice halogen glow off some shiny surfaces, but not too bright - too much dazzle gives you that horrible 'light on, end of the night' feeling.

Stay & Play: 6/10
Down a corridor; which is nice. Decent area around the sinks, which is nice. Big mirrors, which is nice. But lacking in ambience and general character.

Recommendations:
I think your basic infrastructure is there for a pretty good loo. Just needs a re-vamp.

The Green Room - The Arcadian, Birmingham

So named, I believe, in reference to all the many stars appearing at the Hippodome opposite, who clearly hang out here before strutting their stuff. Mmmm yeah.

I have to say, if they don't then it's purely down to the state of the toilets:





WHAT, Green Room, are those?! Other than a disgrace.

Actually, that's a bit mean - there are clearly worse toilets in the world. My outrage is more a reflection of my profound disappointment. I love the Green Room. I have had many happy times there, not to mention lovely food and some good vino. A feeling akin to the letdown of The Cross. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Or something. *Sigh* ....

Decor: 4/10
Not awful; but no thought behind this whatsoever. Felt like I was in someone's dad's shed or something. Rub. bish.

Cleanliness: 4/10
Loo roll everywhere. General shoddiness everywhere, in fact. But the most offending item:



Sanitary disposal bin OUTSIDE the damn cubicle?! How the hell does that work? Are we supposed to wander out of the cubicle gaily swinging our used 'sanitary products' in other ladies' faces before depositing them in said bin?! SO WRONG.

Ambience: 5/10
Not as bad as it could be. The dad's shed effect at least makes you feel vaguely at home. Maybe it's just the nice ambience of the bar that somehow manages to seep in.

Lighting: 6/10
Again, not too bad. Bit dark around the mirror as per usual (when will they learn?....)

Stay & Play: 3/10
Sure, if you like hanging around sanitary bins ...

Recommendations:
Well, why not go one further and pop the bins by the actual bar? That would be nice...
Failing that; my recommendations would be: DESTROY. REBUILD.

Seven things you’d never need to know about me

Right - this is NOT about toilets. Just thought I'd better get that one out of the way..

I have been tagged by the fabulous Ms Geary and clearly it is an unpardonable sin to duck out of a tag.

So I shall do my duty and continue the meme ....

1) I was a very odd child. I used to have an alter ego who was a Victorian orphan called Christina Silverwing. Her best friend was Peter. I also used to be obsessed with concentration camps and the French Revolution and used to play games around these involving flinging myself off wardrobes (Escape from Auschwitz) and chopping off plasticine people's heads (Guillotine)

2) I used to have a recurring nightmare about a villain called Kenny the Raisin Face

3) I really like football. I support Liverpool and have met Bruce Grobbelar, John Barnes, Robbie Fowler, David James, Alan Hansen, Kenny Dalgleish and Gordon Strachan. Not all at the same time. I was recently a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding at Anfield. We wore red.

4) I used to be a singer and saxophonist in a band called Jinrai - we were signed to Acid Jazz records and gigged around the UK and Italy. We once did a festival at an ex-Communist rally ground outside of Bologna and were left for about 24 hrs with no means of sustenance apart from a fridge full of Fosters, no transport and no signs of civilisation.

5) As well as toilets, levels and lighting, I have an abiding obsession with the Romans. The first time I went to Rome I couldn't speak for 3 days cos I was so excited. I took lots of pictures of their drain covers, cos they have SPQR on them ..

6) I can fit my entire fist in my mouth

7) I make up comedy mock heroic poems for my friends every now and then for significant occasions (weddings, leaving dos, 30ths etc...)

To continue this meme I hereby call upon jauger, JessGreenwood, katiejaneday, danhandscomb, annacookie & lefrinj ...

Bluu Bar; Summer Row

Bluuu. Bluuuuuuu. Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

Because, clearly - 'e's just aren't cool enough.

Anyway, this is an interesting place; where they have a spectacularly enormous cocktail menu; where there are lots of scantily-clad, red-lipped, curvaceous ladies adorning its decor, and where they told me I wasn't allowed to eat. Or if I must, then it would be in the restuarant - on my own. While my friends chowed down on their steaks, next to me... Hmmm...

ANYWAY; this is not about a vendetta (not least because it is actually a great place; plus they have bargainous half-price deals on many things)- this is about loos:






Mm hmm. I like 'em. I like the weird long washbasins. I like the black and white tiles (see 'O'Neils' ... ) - I like various other unique touches (see Decor) BUT I have to admit; there was just something lacking. This is where that indefinable je ne sais quoi; that elusive 'ambience' comes in. And it didn't have as much as I thought it might. I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps it was the lighting - it was a bit cold and harsh. Team that with black and white and purple and you get quite dark colours. I dunno ... Tis a mystery ..

Decor: 7/10
As mentioned - yay tiles. Boo too much purple? Nice washbasin fittings and ooh - gadgets. I'm not an enormous techie geek, but I love it when people apply a bit of inventiveness to a toilet. In this case; clever little strip of 1 way glass so the laydeez can see into the club from the loos. Like it!:



Also, the rather fabulous red-lipped ladies make a subtle appearance in each cubicle:



(Err yeah, accompanied by myself, in this instance. Couldn't help it - it was a mirror. I am far more sensibly clad however, I hasten to point out..)

Cleanliness: 8/10
Don't remember there being any problems. Don't remember being able to see my reflection in the work surfaces either, but hey ho; I'm a tough woman to please ..

Ambience: 5/10
Weirdly lacking. Puzzling, cos lots of the right things in place, but for some reason just felt cold (I'm not talking temperatures here) and a bit ... plluuueeerggh. Those of you who mostly communicate in sound effects - like myself- will know what I mean.

Lighting: 5/10
OK, so perhaps herein lies the problem. It felt cold, it felt a bit harsh - although not bright; if anything verging on too dingy. Perhaps just too white. Or grey. Not warm and soft and comforting anyway. This bothers me.

Stay & Play?: 8/10
Y'see, despite the total lack of atmosphere, the fact that it's down a darkened subterranean corridor (with more monochrome tiled joy - yay!):



and into the bowels of the place makes it an ideal hidey hole for escape for a good gossip and/or re-application. PLUS the 1 way mirror - ideal for actually being able to actually point and laugh. Talk about being able to take a step out and objectify!

Recommendations:
Hmmm ... This is a tricky one. I love the little unique twists in here - the well thought out touches. Perhaps it's too thought out though - all head and no heart. It's odd. Just not enough warmth or atmosphere; and I can't quite put my finger on why ...

O'Neils: Broad Street

In a week when all my lavatorial prejudices were shattered (see MacDonalds: above) I go into an Irish pub on Broad Street on a Friday night. Expecting bllleeeuuurrggh. Instead, I got ooooooooh!:





Black and white tiles do it for me every time. So monochrome but statement-y and retro but modern all at once. Oh, and did I ever mention my deep-seated passion for wood? Lots of my favourite things in one place. I did not expect this.

Only thing that slightly put me off was the weird bin-bag-sink job:



and the fact that 2 very conversational drunk girls fell into the toilets while I was there to do what girls do in toilets; ie pee for about 20 seconds and then talk for about 2 hours. I had to dive into a cubicle and wait until they'd finished blathering on to each other before I could emerge and continue snapping. My poor other half was in the bar and thought I had fallen down the loos, and tried to ring me to see why the hell I'd been gone for so long.. (Of course I couldn't take the call, as a) I was pretending that I wasn't there b) it would have been a bit weird talking on my phone on the loo and c) it would have been even weirder saying "Oh yeah, sorry, I'm just waiting until they go so I can take some more photos ..."

Decor: 7/10
As I say; black and white tiles. Wood. Yay.

Cleanliness: 7/10
Hold on - this is Friday night on Broad Street! Where's the vomit? Where's the make up smudged around the sink? ... Bit of stray loo roll and a weird binbagsink, but otherwise in jolly good nick

Ambience: 7/10
Not bad. Still a little lifeless, but pretty pleasant

Lighting: 8/10
Nice. Makes the tiles look good too.

Stay & Play: 8/10
Well, those 2 certainly did! I wouldn't mind hanging around here for a while. Although Mr H might get cross again if I did ...

Recommendations:
Lose the bin bag in the sink. Do you not know what sinks are for, Mr O'Neil? how are they supposed to function when you stuff a ruddy great bin bag into them? ... Geez ... Other than that, y'know what - this does the job. I wouldn't want to move in, but I certainly wasn't dying to get out.