The Cross; Moseley

No no no no no no no.

And no.

Such a shame; I've always liked The Cross. I have, however, always hated the toilets. And they don't show any sign of improving:







Bleurrgh.

They're tatty, they feel really makeshift, they're often not working, no locks on the doors, no loo roll, and for some reason they're always sub zero temperatures. Oh, and the cubicles are weeny; more contortionism a la Bull's Head necessary in order to enter said cubicles.

Decor: 2/10
There's decor? What, as in someone hasn't just thrown some plywood into a box and left it where it lay? ... Oh, there's a nice mirror:



But, personally, I think the worst crime against lavatorial style is the font on the door sign:



What the f*** is that??!!! Oh dear, two of my obsessions - loos and fonts ... Seriously though, The Cross is a nice place; a classy place. So what happened to the loos? You know that as soon as you walk past a comic sans door sign, the loo's gonna be a joke ... So wrong.

Cleanliness: 5/10
No. Falling to pieces. Unflushed loos. Toilet roll coming off. Doors flaking. That said, the sink/mirror area is always pretty clean.

Ambience: 4/10

Errr ... pffff... Cold. Grotty. Nuff said.

Lighting: 7/10
OK. Again, better lighting in the toilets than in front of the mirrors. Geez ...

Stay and Play?: 3/10
Would you want to hang around in a Siberian plywood mess? Me neither. Bet it happens though. There's a decent amount of space in front of the sinks. And some hair straighteners(!) that might induce a bit of girly banter.

Recommendations:
Controlled arson? Or how about they just re-do the loos so that they match the rest of this nice, classy, sleek bar?

Moose; Birkenhead

Yep; just 'Moose'. Not 'Moose Bar' or 'The Moose' or anything - just plain 'Moose'.

You've gotta respect the Moose. It has a comedy name, is in deepest darkest Birkenhead, has the nicest staff in the universe AND great loos for a very small space:






The only slightly odd thing is the weird space-age/porthole door:




Yeah ... Not sure that a porthole loo door is the best design, but hey ho, it's a friendly bunch in Birkenhead. We like to errr... see other people wee. Actually; the porthole is very high up, and very purple, so it's more a case of Birkonian giants seeing small purple people wee.

Decor: 8/10
I love the stone flags in the floor. And the marble. There's something a bit earthy and hard-ass about these materials; but slick at the same time. Slightly confused space-age trimmings, but on the whole, they've done well with a small space.

Cleanliness: 9/10
Nothing visibly wrong with it; but stone flags can potentially look a weeny bit grotty. This is a very minor criticism, however.

Ambience: 8/10
Like everything else within the vicinity of Liverpool, for some reason this tiny Moose loo feels like it has a good degree of character. I like that.

Lighting: 7/10
Nice. Feels clean and shniy. Again, lighting onto mirror not great though. Toilet designers need to realise that ladies are more interested in being able to see themselves in the mirror than seeing themselves actually on the loo.

Stay and Play?: 7/10
In some ways I can imagine sneaking off for some serious girly chattage or re-application here. Although it is quite small. And the only loo, so might start getting a queue of angry Moosers outside ...

Recommendations:
Lose the space age door; make the mirror square or round; for some reason the circular mirror doesn't go with the rest of the decor - I guess I think of stone and marble as old, solid materials; so don't go with round, modern, clean-line mirrors. Blimey, I'm fussy ....

Symphony Hall

Birmingham's cultural diamond - Symphony Hall. Home of world-class, ground-breaking acoustic design. Host of musical genius: Elgar, Dvořák, Rattle.

Home of boring grey corporate toilets:






Yawn ....

I did, however, run off to discover the executive loos. Oh yeah, not just any old standard class loos, I'll have you know; but Les Toilettes Executif:



'Executive' clearly just means having the sink in the same room as the loo. Perhaps so that you are saved the unpleasantry of having to wash your hands in the company of the riff-raff - how thoroughly hideous.

I was here on a work do, and had a label with my name on attached to me (as seems to be customary on such occasions) which I managed to leave stuck on the mirror. I bumped into a sophisticated-looking lady on my way out of Les Toilettes Executif; who gave me a funny look. No doubt due to the fact that not only was I taking photos of a loo; but I had also apparently named the mirror 'Fiona'. Hey ho ... All in the name of lavatorial research ...

Decor: 5/10
- Not sure how much grey one person can cope with without starting to sink into some kind of coma ... Like the little rectangular tiles though, and the mirrors are nice and big. Sink area generally quite smart:



Cleanliness: 9/10
- Clearly spotless. If not clinically spotless. That said, in Les Toilettes Executif there was a stray bit of loo roll. AND some uncivilsed ruffian had deemed it acceptable to put a label saying 'Fiona' on the mirror ... The hoi polloi do not know how to behave...

Ambience: 4/10
- OK if you like words like 'corporate' or 'executive'. Not OK if you like words like 'fun' or 'lovely'.

Lighting: 6/10
- Not bad, but a bit harsh

Stay and Play?: 5/10
- Not really possible in Les Toilettes Executif. As far as the other ones there is a nice area near the mirrors (well done designers) for a chat; so can't be all bad!

Reccommendations:
- Ever heard of the word 'personality'? Come on Symphony Hall - you're the host of some of the most beautiful music and ingenious design in the world; at least try and apply a bit of creativity or aesthetic to the loos ... Maybe the toilets themselves could be made to look like tubas ... Or the wash basins could resemble some kind of percussion ... Or at least have a hand drier that plays Pomp & Circumstance when you turn it on .. I dunno ...

The Bull's Head - Moseley

A ha! I knew it! I haven't been here for a while, but previously the loos were notoriously difficult to manoeuvre yourself around. Getting in and out of the cubicle required a contortionist effort that would have made Houdini proud. The basic issue was the fact that the cubicles were so small that when the door was opened there wasn't enough room to actually get yourself in to the loo. A bit of a major design flaw. Many a time I have watched other hapless women perform acts of mind-boggling flexibility just to end up with limbs wedged in between the door the wall. Not a pretty sight.

There must have been complaints. I mean, a loo that you actually can't get into is never going to win fans. So, upon revisitation to the 'Head, I was curious to see whether they'd got their act together. Turns out they had:






Now there's some nice dramatic black folding doors into the cubicles; allowing great degree of manoeuverability:




The only problem with these is that there's always a little gap in the middle. So previously you couldn't get in to the bloody loos in the first place, whereas now you can get in, but everyone can see you. Well, only if they press their faces right up against the divide in the door I suppose, so no great shakes ...


Decor: 7/10
- I like the dramatic black, white and pink. For some reason I like the slightly half-arsed spider plant on the window ledge. I like the pink butterflies on the black door:



BUT at the same time there's always been just something a bit grotty about it - a bit rough around the edges. Could do better I think.

Cleanliness: 6/10
- Hmmm it's OK. I have been here when its been horrendous. Was fine this time though, although, as I've mentioned there's always this sense of slight grottiness.

Ambience: 7/10
- Interesting. The colour scheme adds a bit of drama; size means that it can get cramped. Feels a bit intense, for some reason, but colourful too.

Lighting: 6/10
- A bit white. But not awful.

Stay and Play?: 6/10
- Hard to rate. It's very small so not much space for hanging around and the bright colours and harsh lighting might get a bit much after a while. That said, it's got a bit of personality.

Reccommendations:
- Softer lighting might make this tiny space seem a bit less intense. Maybe have some more quirky little details like the spider plant and the pink butterflies. See The Wellington for tips. Might help it lose some of that indefinable tattiness, also.

Awwwww shucks!

Highly annoyed with myself - was at the salubrious Weoley Castle Social Club on Sat (o yeah ... ) and totally forgot to suss out the loos. BAD me. Would have been, no doubt, hilarious.

Sorry, this is a total non post.

Apologies...

Bar Estilo - The Mailbox - Birmingham

Uninspiring, to say the least. I was in Bar Estilo last Friday - the place was HEAVING. The food was gorgeous, the wine was delicious, the atmosphere was unbelievably buzzing and the toilets were ... such a let down. Not awful; just nothing like the lively, continental buzz of the bar. Boo.

Decor: 6/10
- Nowt wrong with it, just boooooriiiing

Cleanliness: 7/10
- Fine

Ambience: 5/10
- Boo. I'm not really inspired to say anything other than that, sorry..

Lighting: 6/10
- Bit bright for my liking, but not awful.

Stay and Play?: 4/10
- Just get your ass back into that bar!

Recommendations:
- Yawn yawn yaaaaaaawwwn.... How about trying to inject some of that feisty Latin buzz from the bar itself into the loos? I've never known such a discrepancy between bar and toilets in terms of atmosphere ...

The Wellington

Have found myself here a couple of times this week; a great, unexpected real ale place in the heart of corporate Brum. With added joy of insanely-named ales. I tried Blonde Fantasy, Mad Goose and Stumbling Badger.

I was initially lured in by the promise of a pub cat - hurrah! He did materialise, but appeared to be a bit camera-shy - boo. (Well, for me, anyway. See Exhibit B)

Anyway - the loos:






In some ways pretty bog standard (scuse pun) but in some ways a little bit quirky:

Exhibit A: Random plant/ decoration explosion:



And Exhibit B: Framed picture of pub cat: (ahhhhh)



So, not quite as average as it at first seems ...

Decor: 6/10
- A bit dull. Points for random plant/tinsel effort though. Not particularly stylish, but at least someone cares about making an effort.

Cleanliness: 7/10
- A few stray bits of toilet roll, but nothing untoward

Ambience: 7/10
- Without the pictures (particularly cat) and plant fest this would be particularly nothingy. However, someone cares. And someone thinks it would be nice for us to look at pictures of some framed moggy whilst going about our private business. So I respect that.

Lighting: 4/10
-A bit harsh and white and doctors' surgery-like for me. At least you can see yourselves in the mirrors though ...

Stay and Play?: 6/10
- Hmmm maybe. If you don't mind having a cat staring down at you while you discuss your deepest, darkest secrets. It's quite small and oddly shaped, so one of the conversationalists may have to flatten themselves around the curved wall in order to be able to talk whilst still allowing people through. Enjoy that someone has thought about this place though. Most real ale pubs aren't aware that females exist. Or that we have standards..

Reccomendations:
- Make more of the quirkiness. The cat pic is genius and they could do more tongue-in-cheek stuff here I think.

The Lord Clifden - Hockley

Kind of similar to the Fighting Cocks, really. Although inversely proportional: teeny tiny little pub, big loos. So, this is what the Fighting Cocks loos should be like:

Loads of room! Stylish and simple. Sorry about the flash - toilets have this pesky habit of having mirrors in them ...

The piece de resistance: Dyson hand-driers:

The sign of a classy, modern bathroom. Not for the faint-hearted though; they make a slightly terrifying sound and I was, at first, worried that I was never going to get my hands back ... 

Decor: 8/10
- Nice clean, modern and with a good amount of wood; of which I am a fan. Little bit dull - but then people don't expect folk to spend hours in the blinking loos, really. (They don't know me...)

Cleanliness: 10/10
- Spotless. Not a single bit of loo roll out of place.

Ambience: 7/10
- Nice. Restful. Space. Lots of wood - bit like a Scandinavian spa ... 

Lighting: 8/10
- All good. The spotlights look nice and warm with the wood. Again, could do with a bit more lighting near the mirror (see Fighting Cocks)

Stay and play?: 8/10
- Yeah pretty good. I can imagine diving into this Scandinavian spa haven to have a surreptitious chin-wag with a girl friend, and quite happily spending a while ... 

Recommendations:
- Tell the Fighting Cocks about the use of space for toilets. Then let them tell you about fun stuff like big F-off gilt mirrors. Together you can conquer the world of toilets. 
- Put a health warning on the hand-drier, for people of nervous disposition.

The Fighting Cocks - Moseley

My second home. 

It is the best pub in the universe. The loos are nice too:

They are also disproportionately miniature in comparison to the massiveness of the pub itself - hence the lack of space to take decent photo. They are also always weirdly deserted. Considering the dinky-ness this may be a good thing; but I can't be the only female that ever wants to pee in the Fighting Cocks? Seriously, I've never seen anyone else in there ... Peculiar ...

Decor: 8/10

- For a space this tiny; you want to keep it simple, and they have done, most elegantly. Tiny, perfectly formed little washbasins and dryers. And then a great big F-off gilt mirror - nice.

Cleanliness: 8/10

 - Almost always clean when I'm in there. Probably cos I'm the only one ever in there ... 

Ambience: 6/10

- See earlier comments about general lack of banter. Big, beautiful, bustling pub. Weird tiny deserted loos. Hmmm ... 

Lighting: 6/10

 - The lighting in the actual loos is great, but you can't really see yourself properly in the mirror. Yes it is marvellous to look at, but it can't just be there for decoration?! This is a Ladies room - we need to re-apply! 

Stay and Play?: 7/10

 - Not for the claustrophobic; but offers a small-but-perfectly-formed safe haven if you want a surreptitious girly chat. More than 2 people in there and no-one else can actually get in the door, however.

Recommendations: 

 - The Cocks is huge. Can't they just extend the loos out a bit? You can't have too much of a good thing.

Pretty In Pink

Gadzooks it's PINK!

Home is where the heart is, so, umm, I thought I'd start off with my own loo. It is, as you may have noticed, spectacularly pink. I have to admit, I'm not actually guilty of this - the girl who owned this flat before me painted it so. I like it though; it's a bit mental, but bright and colourful and unique. I did have to tone down the shower curtain though, as hers was even pinker and I started to feel like I was on a bad trip every time I had a shower. There is also an issue in finding bathmats and other accessories to match - nobody expects the pink bathroom.

Mr H is not so keen on the pink. But he is a boy; what does he know about loos? ... 

Decor: 6/10

- Loving the mad pink. Hard to find suitable matching items.

Cleanliness: 6/10

- Hmmmm Mr H and I are a bit hit-and-miss (scuse the pun) with the cleaning

Ambience: 8/10

- Yeah! It's a bright pink loo! 

Lighting: 7/10

- Nice light over the mirror and the extractor fan whirs when you switch it on. This is actually a good thing as its right next to the living room and if you have people round then they can hear you pee - unless you switch the light/extractor fan on.

Stay and Play?: 5/10

 - You might start getting a headache with all the pink. And why hang around here when there's a lounge next door? ... Bit weird having a conversation next to a bath too.

Recommendations:

 - Hmmm ... I have a love/hate relationship with the pink. Perhaps OK for a girl living on her own. Steams up easily - could do with a bigger window to let air out of. 

My secret obsession ...

Ever since I was a child I have been mildly obsessed with toilets. Not the actual ceramic pots themselves, but the entirety of those little private rooms within which they sit.  My first question upon entering a new place, when I was small, was always "Where are the loos?" 

I'm afraid to say, not much has changed. I love them. I'm still intrigued by them. I will always, always check them out in any new place I go to. 

They say you can rate a place by its loos, and I wholeheartedly agree. I like to rate its loos, however.

So, this is what you have before you  - a log (scuse the pun) of my forays into the most private of spaces.  Remember that I am a girl, and therefore a loo is an important place; not simply for relieving oneself, but for girly chats; the divulging of secrets; mysterious preening rituals; a safe-haven from pesky men and a place to sit down and ponder - or even read. So my marks aren't just for the functionality of the latrine, people, but the whole shebang: ambience, atmosphere, friendliness, recommendations etc etc.